The Gambling

To cope is to deal, or face problems. My problem? Depression. My coping? Gambling. Oh, and did I gamble. I never kept count, but if I had to guess, over the years, I blew a lot of money. Almost everything I earned. I never had a high paying job. If I had to make a guess, in the last ten years, I blew 50-75% of whatever I earned, or was given. Obviously, not proud of it, but I am coming to terms with my past. I am not afraid anymore. I used to hide behind VLTs. Hoping no one see me.

Now, I don't need anyone to judge me. I am my own toughest critic. And if you want to judge me, I don't care. I am not going to live a mistake free life. And if you are, please share. I am not ashamed, I am just telling my story. The scary fact is; if I didn't gamble, I would have found a way to kill myself. Gambling, in a twisted way, saved me. Since I am being transparent, this is my story. My coping. My addiction.

I gambled so much, I can tell you the payouts on any current VLT (Video Lottery Terminal) game in Nova Scotia on max bet. A line of Lions on Bungle in the Jungle on max is $250.00. If you are so lucky to hit the 2X multiplier, it's $500. Or a line of 7's on Royal Spins is $497.50. I always wondered why they didn't make it an even $500? I honestly don't know the names of all the games, but I know the sounds and the images. The thrill of winning made me feel good. The thrill of losing made me feel......good? Yes, the thrill of losing. After a bad night, I hated myself even more. I used to cry in solitude. I liked it because I felt something. Hiding from the world, of course. But a win. What a rush! I "felt" something.

In all honesty, it began when I was nineteen back home in Newfoundland. Three places in town had the "machines". The Royal Canadian Legion, Vinland Motel, and The Haven Inn. Actually, now I think of it, I was old enough for the Carson Lounge, and yes, they had "the tappers" too. It grew on me right from the beginning. At first, I wouldn't bet big. Small amounts. A nineteen year old doubling a $20.00 on a Friday seemed like he hit the Jackpot. I continued to play.

My last year of Junior A Hockey in Truro, NS, I was 20. Very good team and we had lots of fun. It was usual for us to go to Dooly's on a Sunday, Monday, or Tuesday night. We all got along. We had a lot of heavy drinkers. That year, we won the league title, and if there was a drinking title, we would have taken that too. Anyways, we go to Dooly's. We order up pitchers of beer. Well, TJ, he would find his way into a 4' x 12' room with complete strangers seeking the exact same thing- the thrill. Even though I was there with my teammates, some of my best friends to this day, all I wanted was to be left alone. Just me and the "whaps". When I win over a couple hundred, I would purposely rent the private room at Dooly's and buy three or four pitchers for the boys so they would leave me alone. "That's pretty sad TJ", I would say in my head. "I know, TJ", was the reply, I would say to myself.

That summer, I worked back home as a bartender at one of the local establishments. Great job. I did love it. I was training to go American International College (AIC) to play Division 1-NCAA hockey. Pretty elite level. So, how to stay away from all the parties and drinking? Work at a bar. Yeah, great idea. I will save money this way too, right? Nope. Not this dummy. I frequently would go gamble in the afternoons after going to the gym. Trying to hide our family vehicle behind the Vinland. No idea how much money I blew that summer, but it was bad. Very bad.

I felt comfortable around gamblers. We had something in common. Something to discuss. When you hit a good line and win some money, everyone is then your best friend. Or if you got into the "Bonus", a flock of people would come watch you. Not sure if they were hoping for me to win or lose. I didn't care. I didn't notice any of them. My perfect day, or night, on most occasions, having some money in my bank account, nowhere to be, and a beer. I wouldn't get drunk. The beer was a diversion. "Yeah, I just popped in for a beer", was my excuse. The worst part is when I would have to leave to go back home. I never wanted to leave. Not once. I was so lost in the "games", I wouldn't think about my Depression.

It got to the point where as soon as I walked into a new bar or pub, I seek out the VLT Room. I would always find it. Like a 6th sense for me. Like blood in the water for a shark. Couldn't stop. My heart would begin to speed up. I wouldn't be involved in any conversation with the people I was with. "Where'd TJ go?" was a common question. They all knew the answer. Nothing they could do. I was hooked. I remember one day back in 2012. In 30 minutes I lost $500 in a VLT in a pub in Bedford, NS. You figure after losing $200-300, I would switch machines or quit. No. I didn't. Sad really. Embarrassing, as well.

During my time in the hospital, I spoke with a gambling addictions counsellor. I told her candidly, it was my way to cope. I would go to a VLT and be lost in the lights, sounds, and colours. My own little world. No attention given to anything else. My heart racing, my mind calculating, and my eyes scanning the lines. Each push of the button was a new chance. If I was unsuccessful, no big deal. I just put another $20 bill in. It felt so good. It helped me deal with my demons and monsters in my head. Sitting in front of a VLT was like break from reality. It was fantasy for me. My escape from my own issues. I was just creating another. But anything was better than fighting my thoughts and feelings.

Looking back now, I started out using it as entertainment. It grew, like a flower, except it wasn't beautiful. I couldn't resist it. It got to the point where I would budget money to gamble before paying any bills. I dragged people down with me. It wasn't my intention. You just wanted to be with me.

Most people with a Mental Illness find a way to cope. The most common methods, alcohol, drugs, and gambling. I am not an alcoholic. Never used hard drugs. Does that make it OK to gamble? No. But in a bizarre way, it kept me alive. Broke, but alive. Heartless, but alive. Sad, but alive. I am not justifying it. And I am sure I will "play" them again or set foot into a casino. Even the gambling counselor said that. She didn't say gambling was OK, nor am I. It can be OK if played properly. I didn't play the VLTs. They played me. They played me hard. It got to the point where winning and losing felt the same.

I know I will be in front of one again. Some of you may see it. But before you judge me, or make a comment, understand I am no longer consumed with that rush. I know many people that play them. Not one thing wrong with it. To each his own. Do I have plans to gamble? No. But I am 29 year old male, I am sure I will be at a bar at some point again. Don't assume, "Well, there is TJ. He must be depressed again." I am learning from my mistakes. I am no longer stupid.

During my treatment, I have made a commitment to be a better person.  Coming to terms with my bad habits helps me. A lot of you will not recognize the person I will become. I am going to be a better son, brother, father, and at some point, the most loving husband in the world. In fact, I look forward to my wedding day. I already know who will be standing at my side as groomsmen. Before I never thought about my wedding. Now I look forward to that day. I have no idea who that lovely woman will be. I don't know your name, age, ethnicity, hair colour, or too much about you yet. You are out there somewhere. I already know how I am going to propose. Planned out, perfectly. Also, what I do know and promise you future Mrs. T.J. Smith, it will be your day. That I can promise. Anything you desire. You will be the most lovely bride in the world. You will have the perfect day. You will feel the love. You will smile and you will cry. You will tremble and you will feel the goosebumps. You will curse me once or twice, but you will be loved. You will be my world. I will make you the happiest girl in the world. I will grow old with you, and raise a family with you. You will be loved like none other. I will hold you close and whisper "I love you". I will die next to you. When all eyes will be on you, your eyes will be on me. We will hold hands. I will cry, questioning "why is this beautiful woman with me?". We will kiss. We will be one. My heart doesn't hide feelings anymore. I can't wait to love and give my heart to someone. When will that day come? Not certain. Not the slightest clue. I now know what love feels like though. I now want to share it. At least I am alive to make someone feel loved and feel like the most special girl alive because they stole my heart.

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith