Moving On

The support has been unbelievable. The messages of hope and concern, it's amazing. So many people from all over. Friends, family, and strangers all telling me I am strong and an inspiration. Of all the people, it is you I want the most to talk to me. On my roughest days, it is you that I want to tell me it will be OK. To wipe away the tears. To hold me. No one else. You make all the pain go away. You make it all better.

But you also cause the pain. How much can I take today? I don't know. I can't figure it out. I want to message you so bad. So bad. But it hurts. The cut isn't healed yet. It may never be. Every time my phone rings, I hope it is you. But it never is. You're not there. And I don't know why.

Saw a quote once. It said falling out of love is the toughest thing to do. I can't do it yet. I don't know how. Trying to erase the memories. Wanting to create new ones. A second chance. But you don't care. You say you do, but I can't comprehend it. You just don't know how much I love you. You don't care. It's so painful.

The worst pain? To love someone who doesn't love you. That's a tormenting pain. Mentally its painful. But when you actually feel your heart breaking into pieces, that's when you know it was real for you. I do. I feel it crumbling into tiny pieces. I am not sure how much is left. I don't know when it is going to stop. Or how to stop it. I thought the tears would dry up by now. They haven't. I cry as I write this. It's not easy.

Solution? Do I learn how to hate you? Will that make it easier for me? I don't like hate. That's not fun. I don't feel hate. I now feel love. There is no more hate in me. Pain is better than hate. You don't know me. You're scared. Don't be scared. Nothing to fear. I can handle pain.

I have accepted your decision. You don't love me romantically. That's fine. Someone will. You made me see my flaws. Push me to the edge to realize I was sick. I am not scared anymore. It hurts. I am jealous. I am honest. But I do respect your decision. We made a commitment together back in September 2011. That commitment is a wonderful young boy. He will have two Christmases. Two birthdays. Two families. That's how it is. Many others do it. So can we. I do love you and will always be there for you. If anyone ever hurts you, they will deal with me. I am a new, confident man. I am charming and I have charisma. I will make people smile and laugh. I will be successful at my career. I am better than before. You helped with that.

I feel the change. I do. Everything I do now. I feel it through my body. Coming out of this Mental Illness is important. What I do with my life is important. I know how to live. And I will be true. I will be straight. People will gravitate to me. I feel excitement. I am ready to love and share my life and have children. I am a wonderful father. I will be a father to some more kids. Whoever she may be, she will be the happiest girl ever. I am going to make all of her dreams come true. She will smile every morning. She will love me for me and take the good with the bad. I will stay by her side through sickness. I will wipe her tears. I am better man now. That's the power of love. You wouldn't hurt someone you love. I know that now.

Yours Truly,

T.J. Smith