Fear of My Hell

Fear is defined as; 'a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc.,whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.'

I believe a lot of us, as human beings, the individual self, are living in fear. When we are by ourselves, we seem to feel fear more. Whether it is being home alone at night or walking down the street at night, the word 'alone' scares us. A lot of us fear we will die 'alone' or we will never find someone to love. I understand that. A lot of us fear death. A lot of us have phobias. A lot of us have bad thoughts. Loneliness is a feeling in itself, just as fear is. Loneliness is a true fear. A demon to some of us. A devil within. I don't know if hell exists, but I have a pretty good idea of what it might look like in my head.

I do not fear death anymore. I am not scared of dying. I saw death. We came face to face. It is not he I fear. Not sure yet if that is bad or good. I used to always think of it. What happens and how will I be remembered. Things like that. When we die, our heart stops, our organs stop, and eventually we decay. That's science. But feelings, I don't think there is a science to that. I think we can somehow pass our feelings on to others. Our physical form may be dead by definition, but who and what we are can continue to live on. Eckhart Tolle said, " You can only lose something you have, you cannot lose something that you are."

Someone used to ask me, "How much do you love me?". Very tough question to answer. What's the maximum someone can love someone else? Is there a quantifiable measuring unit available or is it yet to be invented? How can we measure our feelings? Who am I to tell someone how they feel or what they feel? Feelings are true. They say the heart does not lie. I question the "they" that said that, do you know what love is? Maybe some lonely person came up with the phrase. I used to say "I love you". I have said it to only a few people in my life. Very beautiful people. I meant it, in a literal way, I did. But in a feeling way, I am not sure. I have no idea, to be completely honest. How do I know what love is if I cannot even find love within myself? I have said it recently to someone, and I "felt" it for once. It's nice to feel.

So my greatest fear? It's not a feeling of love, or pain, or hurt, or happiness, or anger or depression or anxiety. That's a part of me now, I will make it mine. I will live with it. My greatest fear is my thoughts. They scare me. They sometimes deceive me. They tell me to lie, cheat, and steal (figuratively). They bring me to "my hell". My hell is about 6 inches wide, and is located between my two ears. That's my hell. That's my greatest fear. And the worst part is, I cannot run from it, hide from it, or pretend it isn't there. My hell is with me every single minute of the day. Every second I breathe, it is right there with me. That's my battle everyday. That's my fear. And it is hard for most to understand. But others who suffer, know exactly what I mean.

Yours Truly, 

T.J. Smith